panic

I

a while back my dad took me to new mexico

pulled over

“let me drive”

miles upon miles.

was it my right of passage? am i older? what have i seen now. is it different? im closer to the yellow lines on the ground, speeding past    one by one.

thousands of technicolor bullets ripping past until dinner.

we stopped at the alien museum by area 51 we both stepped in. when i stepped into the dark room i began to see the nights in san francisco, 4th grade, watching star trek for hours, going to see the new movie 6 times, bringing all of my friends with me each time. laughing just as hard at the same jokes that i knew were coming. then crawling into my parents bed at two in the morning and resting my head on my mothers pregnant belly. the growing embryo soon to be my little sister as foreign as the aliens miles away from here back in new mexico. rotting away in area 51

she is slightly older now and i am insanely jealous of the way her mind works, she looks at us like giants, fearing the monster in her dresser, taking advantage of her vip access to where the wild things are hiding, a place i have forgotten how to find

maybe sometime later i am dreaming on my open window, i dont rest my head on my mother but the cold windowsill. the crisp october air burns my nostrils. i see you open the front door, coming home from the party. and i never knew what to say when you (the older one, the one who is wise, the one knows, for i am young and naive) staggered into my room drunk and saying you wanted to die. too afraid to do it yourself, i agreed, tucking your hair around your ear and we blamed it on our mom, as most teenagers do. we didnt make eye contact the next day as we drove to andreas house.

II

weeks ago, she is who she said she would be. now as i watch her from the corner of the english classroom, i can clearly see her natural roots. a harsh contrast to the manic glow.

III

“did you like me better last year” i ask.

he tells me he hates it when i ask him questions like that.

i shup up and we listen to the lyrics of the new song we just found

“i wanna kiss you in a silver car that's crashing. and we will both die laughing. as i am holding onto you.”

once again i gaze out the window, for the first time in a while it is humid and it makes me so happy that everything is over and i will finally have time to myself. to grow and mature. or whatever that means. i told myself i wouldn't waste my summer but instead i let the night take me and the neon glow of the diner across the street became my new home.  sneaking over there at two in the morning to sit and watch the man behind the counter sleep. then i walk over to the side of the highway and watch the yellow line once again. its still, but i see cars move so fast along it. i text luca, knowing he isnt asleep and we sit and talk by the river till sunrise. he is older than my older sister, so i listen to him even more that i listen to her.

“im in such a fucked up situation right now. i just dont know what to do.” he tells me

“maybe you should stop smoking”

he looks at me like i dont know what im talking     about.

i nod my head hastily, i sympathise, but i secretly envy him. he is on his own, he knows what to do. he struts around with brown eyes sharp as razors, he is old. and while he is unhappy it was his independent actions that brought him too his “fucked up situation”,

it was the independence i that i envied

i would often watch him from the corner of the room

as he danced

i wanna dance like him

like nobodies watching

when everybody's watching

IV

i am home now? is this what i wanted. im not sure.  sometimes its nice to have somewhere to go, not sure if i really agree with that, but it depends on my mood.

i can die laughing in that silver car another day, staining the yellow lines red, as the aliens watch from above.